“That’s Inappropriate!” -- Killing the Conversation

We are constantly sending messages to our children about what they do, think, and feel, and those messages are not always what we intend. Often, our attempts to teach our kids to be pro-social, upstanding citizens, are based on our own fears of social judgement—our concerns of how others will judge our children and by extension, us! What we don’t realize is that often, our knee-jerk reactions end up shaming our children, shutting down real talks, and preventing real learning moments.

A Real-Life Example: David’s Movie Moment

Let’s meet David, aged 8. David is a bright, curious kid who loves soccer and has a knack for making his friends laugh. One afternoon, he came home and, with all the seriousness an eight year-old can muster, announced to his dad:

“When I see Ella tomorrow, I’m going to kiss her—just like in that movie!”

David had his arms wrapped around himself, moving them up and down his back in a clear mimic of making out/groping actions.

His dad, caught off guard, reacted quickly:

“That’s inappropriate!”

The room went quiet. David’s face fell. The excitement and curiosity that had lit up his eyes faded, replaced by embarrassment and confusion.

When Curiosity Gets Shut Down

It’s a moment many adults can relate to—something catches us off guard, we blurt out a

response meant to protect, but we end up shutting down the conversation instead.

When David’s dad said, “That’s inappropriate!” he was trying to set a boundary, but the

message David received was that his curiosity and feelings were wrong and shameful.

When we respond this way, a few things can happen:

• Shame replaces curiosity. David might feel embarrassed for having those

thoughts or for sharing them.

• Communication gets closed off. David learns that certain topics are “off-

limits,” and may be less likely to bring up his questions or feelings in the

future.

• Missed opportunity for guidance. Instead of learning about boundaries,

consent, and feelings, David is left to sort it out on his own.

How We Can Do It Differently

What if, instead, we paused and got curious about David’s feelings?

Here’s how that conversation could go (of course, this is only one of numerous ways this conversation could go—there’s no one right way):

Dad takes a breath and says,

“Wow, it sounds like you really liked that part of the movie. What makes you want to do that?”

David shrugs,

“It just looked fun. And she smiled after.”

Dad nods,

“Movies can make things look easy, but in real life, it’s important to make sure both people want to share a moment like that. How do you think Ella would feel if you kissed her?”

David thinks for a moment.

“I don’t know. Maybe she’d be surprised. Maybe she wouldn’t like it.”

Dad smiles,

“That’s a really important thing to think about. When we care about someone, we want to make sure they feel comfortable too. There are lots of ways to show someone you like them—like telling them a joke or inviting them to play.”

The Takeaway

When we react with judgment or shame, we close doors. When we respond with curiosity and openness, we invite real talks—conversations that help kids make sense of their feelings, learn about boundaries, and build trust with the adults in their lives.

Next time your child surprises you with a big or awkward statement or question, try pausing before you respond. You might just turn a tricky moment into a powerful opportunity for connection.

Thank you for being here. Stay tuned for more real-life stories and practical tips in the Real Talks Everyday series!