Put Down Your Phone!

Photo Credit: Şahin Sezer Dinçer, Unsplash

We are born into this world with an instinct to connect to other humans. It’s a survival instinct. As helpless infants, we need to connect to more mature individuals who are equipped to care for us.

But it turns out that we don’t just need physical care. We need emotional care and connection as well. In fact, babies whose basic physical needs are met (for example, they’re kept clean, warm, and fed) but who are neglected emotionally (for example, they are not held, not comforted when crying, not played with or spoken to) will “fail to thrive” or in extreme cases, even die. The human brain requires repetitive, loving, and connected interactions with others for healthy development. 

Everyday Disconnect

So let’s imagine the following scene:

Child – eager to engage with caregiver, comments on or asks questions about seemingly unimportant (to the grown-up) topics.

Caregiver – absorbed in phone, responds in a disconnected manner (if they respond at all).

This scene is, unfortunately, a common one. And it’s probably fair to say that we’re all guilty of it to some degree. I know I am. Life gets busy and come on, we just need to reply to a work email, or send a quick text, or check LinkedIn, or decompress by scrolling on social media…

We’re good at rationalizing our actions.

But that doesn’t make the problem go away. The problem is that we are increasingly NOT CONNECTING with our loved ones (or even our co‑workers, neighbors, and other community members). This is a problem at all ages, not just for our youngest children.

What Toddlers Are Missing

When a toddler is sitting in their stroller, absorbed in a device:

They are not looking around and taking in the scenery.

They are not saying, “Airplane!” and having that repeated back enthusiastically by their grown-up, who’s pointing toward the sky and responding, “Yes, airplane!” (while making airplane sounds).

They are not saying, “Doggie, woof, woof!” and having that excitedly repeated by their grown-up, who is smiling with eyes opened wide as they both make barking sounds together.

They are not saying, “Flower!” and hearing their grown-up proudly respond, “Yes, that’s a flower! A yellow flower,” while making a sniffing gesture to mimic smelling a flower. “And look, this one’s a pink flower,” and the child repeats, “Pink flower!” while copying the adult’s sniffing gesture.

When a toddler is sitting in their stroller, absorbed in a highly stimulating two-dimensional technological world that doesn’t interact with them in a genuinely responsive way, they are missing out on all of that.

And When We’re On Our Phones...

Now let’s look at this from a slightly different angle. A toddler is sitting in their stroller, device‑free, while their grown-up is absorbed in a device:

The toddler says, “Airplane!” and the grown-up apathetically says, “Mm‑hm,” with eyes glued to the phone.

The toddler says, “Doggie, woof, woof!” and the grown‑up says, with disinterest, “Yeah, woof, woof.”

The toddler says, “Flower!” and the response is a no eye-contact, flat, “Mm‑hm, flower.”

Just think about this for a minute…

Seriously, think about this…

Bigger Picture Concerns

There’s a lot of emphasis these days on rising attention deficit and autism diagnoses, as well as a more general focus on children being dysregulated and unable to cope with social and academic frustrations. There are many possible causes for these difficulties, and likely a combination of factors contributes to them. But I think we have to at least consider how we’re raising our children, given recent cultural and technological shifts in our society. And we, the caregivers of our children, must take at least some responsibility for solving certain aspects of this problem.

This goes beyond our youngest children. This absorption in our devices has a negative impact on adult social connections as well.

A Warm Connection On A Cold Train Platform

I recently spent an hour waiting for a delayed train at an outdoor station in Massachusetts in the middle of February (Brrr!). For a while, I killed time by researching various topics on my phone, checking emails, etc. But then I put my phone away and began talking to the woman who’d been standing next to me for the past 40 minutes, sharing updates we had on the train’s arrival.

This led to a lengthier conversation and the discovery of several ways our lives intersected. This was exciting! Relating to this stranger and discovering our “small world” connection gave me a brief endorphin rush. This connection on a train platform was an uplifting, literally “warming” encounter that elevated my mood from frustrated and bored to connected and fulfilled.

And this was with a stranger!

Insulated And Lonely

Being perpetually on our devices is causing us to become insulated and lonely. To cope, we ironically tend to go deeper into our devices. But this doesn’t help us feel productive, satisfied, connected, playful, or rested. We remain bored and lonely.

My own kids are now young adults, but I’ve been thinking about this issue—this device absorption and social disconnection—and how it impacts our adult connections. I’m trying to put the phone down when we’re together, especially when we’re having a conversation. I’m trying to stay more fully present when I’m with them. Sometimes this means saying,

“Hold on a sec. I want to be focused while listening to you, so let me finish writing this email and then I’ll be fully able to focus.”

But I know I can do better…

An Invitation

We really are busy. We really have emails to send and texts to reply to. We really do need to decompress.

AND...

We can be more mindful about setting limits around those tasks. We can be more mindful about truly connecting with others (which might turn out to be one of the ways we decompress!). We owe it to our kids, our loved ones, and ourselves to do this.

Try this today

Try taking a 15-minute excursion outside with your child, but leave your phone at home. Notice what you and your child see and talk about.

Or…

During mealtime, leave your phone in another room and notice what you and your family talk about.

Or…

Hang out together with your children and loved ones without your phones and see where the conversation goes.