Real Talks Everyday

Real Talks Everyday: Why “Don’t Be Sad!” Isn’t the Answer

Have you ever caught yourself saying, “Don’t be sad!” to a child, only to watch their face fall even further? You’re not alone—most of us have done it, even with the best intentions. As adults, our words carry more weight than we realize, sending subtle (and not-so-subtle) signals about which emotions are welcome and which are not.

The Hidden Messages in Everyday Words

Imagine your child comes home from their first day of school and says,

“I was sad and missed you.”

You might respond,

“What? You weren’t sad—you were so happy when I picked you up and told me you had fun with your new friends!”

While meant to reassure, this response ends up invalidating your child’s feelings and sends the message that their sadness is not ok—that it’s too much for you to handle.

We adults do this all the time, often without realizing it. When children sense that certain feelings—like sadness, neediness, or anger—aren’t tolerated, they learn to hide those emotions, not just from us, but ultimately from themselves, as well. Over time, this can make it harder for them to recognize what they’re feeling and why, which can lead to acting out (tantrums, aggression) or turning inward (anxiety, physical symptoms).

Why Real Talks Matter

Here’s the good news:

When we talk openly about feelings and events, we help children make sense of their experiences. Putting feelings into words organizes what might otherwise feel chaotic and overwhelming. Real talks help kids (and grown-ups!) understand not just what they feel, but why—and that understanding brings the calm needed to choose how to respond.

Children can feel many things all at once. Maybe your child was sad and missed you on their first day of school—and had fun playing with new friends. When we reflect on these mixed feelings together, we help them see the full, colorful picture of their inner world.

The Brainy Side of Real Talks

Talking about emotions isn’t just “nice”—it’s neuroscience! When we put feelings into words and reflect together, we help move those emotions from the primitive, reactive parts of the brain to the higher-level control centers. This helps children (and us) regulate both emotions and behavior, making it easier to handle life’s ups and downs.

How You Can Start Having Real Talks Today

• Pause before responding. Take a breath and get curious about what your child is feeling, even if it’s uncomfortable or doesn’t make sense to you.

• Name the feeling. Try, “It sounds like you felt sad and missed me today. That makes sense—it was your first day at school and everything was new!”

• Stay open to mixed emotions. Kids can feel happy, sad, excited, and nervous—all at once.

• Reflect together. Share your own feelings, too. “I missed you today, and I was also excited to hear about your teachers and new friends!”

Let’s Keep the Conversation Going

Everyday moments are opportunities for real talks. By welcoming all feelings—messy, silly, or serious—we help children grow into emotionally healthy, resilient adults. So the next time you’re tempted to say, “Don’t be sad (or mad, or scared…),” try inviting the feeling in for a real talk. You might be surprised by what you both discover.

Thank you for joining me on this journey. Stay tuned for more stories, guidance, and every day, real-life examples in the Real Talks Everyday series!