Stop Cheating!

Photo credit: National Cancer Institute, Unsplash

Game Playing—Sometimes Kids Need to Win

Have you ever planned a fun, family-bonding game night only to have it collapse into a family battlefield? If so, you know winning can mean everything to a child—and losing can lead to creative rule changes, tears, and arguments.

Winning and Losing

I’ve had countless conversations with parents over the years about the difficulty their children have with losing games. It’s generally a version of this:

“Johnny always needs to win when we play H-O-R-S-E (or Uno, or Monopoly…). He cheats and makes up rules that serve him but not me. He needs to learn that he isn’t always going to win, and he can’t just rig the game for his benefit. I tell him, if he keeps this up, nobody will want to be his friend.”

They go on to tell me about how game playing often ends up leading to fights between them and their children. They insist on a strict adherence to the rules and on asserting their own wins because they believe they need to teach their kids how to lose.

Raising Good, Civilized Children

I think it’s our own parental anxiety that leads us to feel this need to “teach” our kids to lose.  Part of our job as parents is to raise our children to be good, civilized people, and cheating is not good or civilized.

And indeed, the internet is filled with information about the importance of losing. A quick google search reveals numerous articles and blog posts about the developmental benefits of losing and the importance of teaching our kids to lose gracefully.

To be clear, I don’t deny the importance of learning to follow rules, along with how to lose (and win) gracefully. These are important. But it’s not that simple.

Why Kids Struggle with Losing

So here are some of the ideas I share with parents when we have a conversation about winning and losing:

It’s not just about the game. For young children, playing competitively is a way to express big feelings:

• aggression (“I’ll destroy you!”)

• defeat (“NOOOO!”)

• the thrill and pride of mastery (“Yes! I did it!”)  

When a child wins, they feel powerful (“I won! I destroyed you!”). When they lose, it can feel like a blow to their self-esteem (“I never win. I’m no good at anything”).

The Power Dynamics of Play

Playing with parents or caregivers introduces a natural power imbalance. But within the game, kids get to flip the script—they get to feel powerful. And this provides them with a sense of achievement and mastery, which fuels their self-esteem. 

Cheating or changing the rules isn’t about being disrespectful—it’s about feeling in control.

How Parents Can Respond

Instead of cracking down hard on cheating, try calling it out playfully:

• “Oh, so you get to take three turns in a row, but I only get one?”

•  “Looks like you found a secret shortcut—should I try that too?”

  
  

This approach recognizes the child’s need for the upper hand without shaming them for it. It allows them to practice at being competent, capable, and powerful. It keeps the mood light, helps kids recognize fairness, and maintains the joy of play.

When a Child Really Needs to Win

Sometimes, kids have rough days. Maybe they felt excluded by friends during recess. Or maybe they’re noticing that reading is coming more easily to their friends than it is to them. On these days, it might be all the more important for them to win.

When your child’s need to win feels particularly intense, it’s helpful to name it in a non-judgmental manner:

“I can see that you really need to win today.”

And sometimes it’s helpful to comment on their need for us to lose:

“Oh man, you really need me to be the big loser today! Fine, I can take it!”

What if No One Will Play with My Child?

As parents, we become concerned that if our children cheat and/or can’t lose gracefully, then no one will want to play with them. Yet when we take a step back, we often notice that our kids have lots of friends and don’t seem to get into these battles over winning and losing with their friends in the same way that they do with us.

I want to pause here.

Because this is important.

Many (not all, I know, but many) children can tolerate playing by the rules when they are out in the world. They understand the social rules of playing and they are capable of following them. In fact, they learn social rules best by engaging in independent play with their peers, not by being taught by us adults.

Game Play as a Medium to Communicate: Being Seen, Heard, and Validated

But they might be looking for something different from their game playing with us grown-ups. I suggest that we grown-ups think of game playing as exactly that—playing. It’s an opportunity to connect with our children, and for our children to express parts of themselves to us.

Game play becomes a medium for our children to communicate with us. It provides an opportunity for us to see, hear, and validate our children’s experiences. It provides an opportunity for a real talk, one where we can speak directly about what’s happening:

“Oh, I see, we’re playing by your special rules, where you get to do things in the game that I don’t get to do. I’m ok with this, cuz I’m a grown-up and I can see that you really need to win right now. But your friends might not be cool with it when you play with them.”

When we reflect and communicate our acceptance to our children, we help them understand, process, and cope with their feelings. This builds their confidence and self-esteem, which actually helps them tolerate losing!

Mixed Messages

We send mixed messages to our kids when we tell them that games are not about winning or losing, but then we focus on teaching them to follow the rules and lose gracefully. Ironically, we end up inadvertently making it all about winning and losing!

How Parents Can Respond

Instead of cracking down hard on cheating, try calling it out playfully:

• “Oh, so you get a re-do, but I only get one chance?”

• “You can pick a different card if you don’t like the one you got? Do I get to do that, too?”

• “Your version of the game is very interesting—such creative rule-making!”

This approach keeps the mood light, helps kids recognize fairness, and maintains the joy of play.

Final Thoughts

When we use game playing as an opportunity to really listen to our children, it allows us to connect, have real talks, and grow together.  And along the way, our kids might even end up figuring out how to win and lose gracefully.